My Decision to Leave

Yes. You read the title correctly. I have decided to withdraw from my study abroad program.

First, I'd like to make it very clear that this was not a decision I made lightly. Those of you who know me well, know that I am not the type of person to who changes plans easily. I think I knew the whole time I was here that this was not the place I should be, but it took me over a week to admit that to myself and to my family and friends. After some long talks with my parents and close friends, I decided that coming home is the best option.

This is also an "it's not you, it's me" situation in regards to my program. The program itself did not do anything wrong. I am just not the type of person that would enjoy it–something that I didn't (and couldn't) know until I experienced it. Many, if not all, of the other students are fully enjoying themselves here, which was my first hint as to the fact that the stress and anxiety I was feeling were not the fault of the program.

I have been horribly homesick (and I've never been homesick before) and sad and anxious and stressed ever since I arrived last week. At first I labeled it as culture shock and jet-lag and tried to force myself to enjoy Italy. It's Italy after all, you're supposed to enjoy living here. But I just didn't... I barely slept or ate anything since I arrived because of how much anxiety I was experiencing, and on top of that I was walking up to 16 miles a day looking for an apartment. All last week I tried to put on a smile and show everyone that I was happy and enjoying myself and having a grand adventure, but that's never how it felt. I was sad and lonely all the time. I put in an effort to make friends with the other students, and while I got along with them fine, we seemed to have very different priorities (I'm not really a big fan of staying up super late or getting drunk, especially in a city I don't feel comfortable in) and I knew that if I stayed I would have spent most of my time in my room by myself reading and doing homework and counting down the days until I could come home.

So, yes, I am coming home. I could not be more thankful for my parents who know me well enough to realize this was a "yes, come home" situation and not a "tough it out, it'll get better" situation. I am also so thankful for the absolute outpouring of love and support I've gotten from friends and family back home. Knowing that my friends and family don't think any less of me and aren't disappointed in me has made this process so much easier.

-Maria